I have thought long and hard about sharing this post, I have been trying to write it for over two years now, in fact since I started blogging. I am however nervous about putting this out there, it is very personal and raw. So why share it? I wanted to share my story not so people can pity me or feel sorry for me but I want to help others. I hope that even one person who may have some similar feelings, experiences or even depression to know they are not alone and others feel this way. Also that there is hope and you can get help.
I had my first baby back in 2006 and yes it was tough the first few weeks, he was born on Christmas eve and was born a little early due to pre-eclampsia brought on by my chronic kidney issues. I wanted to breast feed and tried with all my heart for three weeks but failed. I couldn’t get enough fluid into my body, etc, etc. I was gutted but saw how much my life changed and how much more settled my baby was when I switched to formula, so I got over it eventually. I certainly wasn’t depressed.
My husband and I were going through rough patch when my youngest was about 13/14 months, I’d gotten a scare when he took some febrile convulsions and focused everything on him. Anyway I fell pregnant again, but didn’t find out until my youngest was 16 months. I found out the sex of my second and was gutted to find out he was a boy. Please don’t judge me at this point, I cried and cried. I had a gorgeous baby boy, whom I loved with all my heart, but I was desperate for a girl.
I felt awful for feeling this way, but I couldn’t help it. Knowing what I know now I know why I felt this way but I didn’t at the time. I had my baby and I loved him I really did with all my heart. It was a very traumatic birth, which I blogged about here.
We got home and I tried but failed at breast feeding again, this time I did not beat myself up about it. About six week into life with two little ones, I started to feel like I couldn’t cope. I felt like I was a terrible mother and couldn’t breathe. I wanted to run away, to disappear. I thought my children would be better off without me. I thought my husband would be better off without me. I had a horrific section scar and felt ugly; I didn’t want anyone to look at me. I couldn’t even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I posted about this a long time ago and got a lot of advice, especially from Sian.
I knew something was wrong but it took me a while to admit it. I called my health visitor and asked her to come and see me. She did one of those chart things; you know the ones where you always think you’re putting in the wrong answer and wonder how you are going to be judged. Well I was borderline. She didn’t think I was depressed but I was headed that way and it was more anxiety than depression I seemed to be displaying.
I felt like the world was bearing down on me. I didn’t feel like I was bonding with my baby. I felt I wasn’t me. He was a great baby he slept well, ate well, etc. and his brother adored him. I was getting flash backs from my own childhood. I felt like I was my own mother, someone I didn’t want to be for my children.
I saw my doctor and my health visitor had spoken with her. I was reluctant to go on anti-depressants I didn’t want to admit I had depression and didn’t want the stigma that went with it. Wrong I know, but this was how I felt. My doctor prescribed a very mild dose of anti-depressants, just enough to take the edge off and got me an appointment with a counsellor. I saw the counsellor when my little one was only a few months old. I continued to see him every week and then every second week for 1 ½ years. What came out of that was something that haunted me for a long time without knowing it. My childhood.
I was an only child; I didn’t have any cousins my age to play with. My parents both worked, although my mum didn’t initially but that’s before I can remember. My dad was a scientist and my mum owned a health food shop. I never remember then playing with me much especially my dad, as I got older say 10 plus he used to take me to museums, art galleries, etc. but not when I was little. Before I turned 5 I witnessed something horrific, something no-one should witness. I’m not going to go into any details here, but needless to say the police were involved and life as I knew it would never be the same. I blamed myself and lied to the police and my parents as I thought I was going to get into trouble. I was wrong. I never told anyone about it and my parents thought I’d not remember, but I locked it away and was terrified to be on my own, sleep in the dark and thinking someone was coming after me for as long as I can remember. My mum became a shell of who she was and my dad thought that pretending nothing was wrong it would all go away. I thought it was my entire fault. Everything that happened to my family from here on in was my fault. I had buried all this and it came back to bite me in counselling one day.
For the next year and a bit we went round in circles, I couldn’t fix it. I needed answers. I tried to find them but couldn’t and had no one to talk to about it that could help. My mum wouldn’t talk to me about it, my dad was dead and my mum’s sister didn’t speak to me. I stopped counselling as we were constantly going round in circles I was no better in the anxiety front. I felt like there was someone after me again. But I was coping better; I wasn’t depressed I just had low self-esteem and felt like a terrible mother.
I started doing Thinking slimmer, my post here and within a few weeks I felt confident enough to come off my anti-depressants, which I did and under the doctor’s instructions. I spoke to Sandra from Thinking Slimmer about it and the fact my weight loss was so slow. It did so many good things but that wasn’t getting anywhere. Cutting a long story short here, I got some cognitive hypnotherapy from here via Skype to help me remove the memory that was haunting me. This did wonders and it is no longer at the forefront of my mind day in day out.
She also did some timeline therapy when I was in London at Cybermummy last year. This brought out more than I thought from my childhood which was causing my issues. Again I’m not going to go into any details, but it has made me understand a lot of why I feel the way I do and act the way I do. I spoke to Sandra over a period of time and then started on the lifestyle pods, the Confidence and the fulfilment ones. I still listen to these. Thank you Sandra.
What I have learned. I was desperate for a girl, so that I could replace the childhood I had and give her the one I wanted and deserved. Thankfully I didn’t have a girl as this would have been so wrong and I got two gorgeous little boys. I also didn’t know what it was like to have boys and they are amazing and so loving. I didn’t know a mother son relationship, but I’m now looking forward to find out what it blossoms into. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still love a little girl if I ever have another child but it is because I would like a family balance, not to fix my life, a boy would be equally as welcomed.
I have learned that my mum did the best she could, it wasn’t her fault and I can forgive the other things she went on to do. We will never have a perfect relationship. I will never forget what she did, but she has been through so much and she didn’t deserve any of what happened, no one did. My dad did what he thought best albeit it didn’t help, he did what he could. I can’t change my childhood, but I can love my boys and play with them and be the best mum I can.
I still feel guilty about working and not being with my boys, but needs must and I appreciate and make the most of my time with them. I didn’t have a good experience at nursery and freaked when Lucas started but I know now he isn’t me and I will make sure he has the best experience he can.
I am going to get some more cognitive hypnotherapy with the wonderful The Moiderer, who did some work on me a few months back. Not to mention helping me through my journey, she’s been amazing. Thank you.
I am still learning and I am still on my journey, battling the depression/anxiety/PND whatever label you want to give it. I certainly don’t know. I know I am happier, I feel happier, I feel more content, I feel like I am a good mother. Yes there are day like yesterday where I feel like I am not worthy of my two gorgeous boys and I’m the worst mother ever, but they are few and far between.
Now I have shared my experience, I will keep you posted and I hope it helps someone else who was in my situation to know there is hope. People do help if you let them. I will always listen if you ever want to talk to me, just email me. There were times I thought I was going nuts, but I don’t think I was, I’m just me and this is who I am. I have a past, a present and a future. And I couldn’t get through them all without my friends, family, my wonderful hubby who has been there for my always, my wonderful online friends and that includes you. So thank you.
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