Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death. It is seven years ago today, since I held him in my arms, in his hospital bed and told him it was ok to let go. I did this for several hours until he let out his last breath. I never cried I stayed strong and even made a joke. I then went on to organise his funeral, etc. I didn’t know until now, that I can shut my emmotions off, I do it automatically as a defense mechanism. I have still haven’t cried much.
Everyday I miss my dad, there is not a day goes past when I do not think about him and wish I could talk to him one last time. I wish more than anything he got to meet my boys, although a clairvoyent told me he chats to them all the time. I also wished he had give me away at my wedding, but my wonderful Uncle stepped in. Which I know my dad would have been pleased at my choice. There is so much I want to show and tell him. I talk to him in my head, I hope he hears me.
My dad was highly Intelligent, he worked as a scientist, then a lecturer doing research into metals, plastics and recycling. He had a brilliant sense of humour, and did not suffer fools gladly. He loved to socialise and was always down the pub, not necessarily drinking, many a night he drank diet coke but he loved meeting new people and chatting with his friends. He loved various kinds of sports, from football to bowls. If you can call the later a sport.
My dad was the only person in my life (before hubby and kids) who had never let me down or left me. My mum up’d and left us several times and I picked up the pieces with my dad, held his hand when he would break his heart. Do the cleaning, etc. Mum always came back and dad always took her back. Looking back now they would have been better off apart but as a kid you don’t want that and their last ten years together were good.
Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t perfect but he was mine. He wasn’t around much when I was a child, he spent time with me as a baby then not so much until he could take me to museums, computers shows, art galleries, etc which I loved more than anything. I miss him most for that, I have no-one else who enjoys going to these things as much as he did. He also took me on a fishing trip, then was a bit peeved I caught three fish and he didn’t catch any.
My dad held me when I got my first broken heart, took me out to get drunk when I thought my world was over. Shouted at me when he caught me smoking in the pub. We were friends, we didn’t always get on, far from it. We always thought we were right, resulting in numerous arguments. The words always stick on my head, he called me an argumentative little b****. Not in a vicous or nasty way, that was his way of being nice.
I don’t have any brothers and sisters and don’t have the same bond with my mother. I feel all alone, like I don’t belong since he is gone. But now I have my own family, they are amazing and I wish he was here to share them with me.
As I look up, towards the clouds
The grayness that will inevitably
Be my life from this moment till forever
Till my last dying breath
I look forward to our meeting again
When the plains will be equal
Answers will be un-required
As your touch will be all.
Goodbye, Dad, See You Soon!
This post is protected under copyright. SusankMann 2009 – 2014