Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death. It is seven years ago today, since I held him in my arms, in his hospital bed and told him it was ok to let go. I did this for several hours until he let out his last breath. I never cried I stayed strong and even made a joke. I then went on to organise his funeral, etc. I didn’t know until now, that I can shut my emmotions off, I do it automatically as a defense mechanism. I have still haven’t cried much.
Everyday I miss my dad, there is not a day goes past when I do not think about him and wish I could talk to him one last time. I wish more than anything he got to meet my boys, although a clairvoyent told me he chats to them all the time. I also wished he had give me away at my wedding, but my wonderful Uncle stepped in. Which I know my dad would have been pleased at my choice. There is so much I want to show and tell him. I talk to him in my head, I hope he hears me.
My dad was highly Intelligent, he worked as a scientist, then a lecturer doing research into metals, plastics and recycling. He had a brilliant sense of humour, and did not suffer fools gladly. He loved to socialise and was always down the pub, not necessarily drinking, many a night he drank diet coke but he loved meeting new people and chatting with his friends. He loved various kinds of sports, from football to bowls. If you can call the later a sport.
My dad was the only person in my life (before hubby and kids) who had never let me down or left me. My mum up’d and left us several times and I picked up the pieces with my dad, held his hand when he would break his heart. Do the cleaning, etc. Mum always came back and dad always took her back. Looking back now they would have been better off apart but as a kid you don’t want that and their last ten years together were good.
Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t perfect but he was mine. He wasn’t around much when I was a child, he spent time with me as a baby then not so much until he could take me to museums, computers shows, art galleries, etc which I loved more than anything. I miss him most for that, I have no-one else who enjoys going to these things as much as he did. He also took me on a fishing trip, then was a bit peeved I caught three fish and he didn’t catch any.
My dad held me when I got my first broken heart, took me out to get drunk when I thought my world was over. Shouted at me when he caught me smoking in the pub. We were friends, we didn’t always get on, far from it. We always thought we were right, resulting in numerous arguments. The words always stick on my head, he called me an argumentative little b****. Not in a vicous or nasty way, that was his way of being nice.
I don’t have any brothers and sisters and don’t have the same bond with my mother. I feel all alone, like I don’t belong since he is gone. But now I have my own family, they are amazing and I wish he was here to share them with me.
As I look up, towards the clouds
The grayness that will inevitably
Be my life from this moment till forever
Till my last dying breath
I look forward to our meeting again
When the plains will be equal
Answers will be un-required
As your touch will be all.
Goodbye, Dad, See You Soon!
This post is protected under copyright. SusankMann 2009 – 2014
Mummy says
18th June 2010 at 9:49 pmThe photo of your Dad is lovely. He raised a wonderful daughter so I know that he was a good man.
prophecygirl says
18th June 2010 at 9:51 pmOh my god, I shouldn't have read this. 🙁 Beautiful post, but so sad. I may need to go and sniffle by myself.I'm sure your dad is so proud of you, and more than anything is just glad that you and your family are happy. He looks like he was a lovely man.
babygenie says
18th June 2010 at 10:33 pmCrying. A lot.I feel like I know you so well already, and it will be so, so nice to meet you in person.I honestly know that your Dad is the proudest man on earth, how lucky to have such a down to earth, honest and truly lovely daughter.Well done for sharing this post I know it can't have been easy.xxx
Rebecca says
19th June 2010 at 6:15 amSuch a bittersweet post. Lovely to read all of your happy memories of times that you spent with your Dad. I am glad that you remember the good times so well. I am so sorry for your loss though. x x x
Chelle says
19th June 2010 at 6:31 amI so understand what you mean and feel. A beautiful post and your Dad must bouncing on his cloud of joy and pride you honor him this way. xo
Ash Oldfield says
19th June 2010 at 6:34 amThankyou for such a beautiful post. It has made me realize that I need to stop being so proud and forgive my Dad for being as headstrong as I am. I'm sorry for your loss and glad to hear you have such a lovely , loving family.
notSupermum says
19th June 2010 at 9:21 amI feel your pain. I lost my Dad 8 weeks ago, and I still haven't come to terms with it, but like you I've kept myself busy so as not to think about it too much.I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope this anniversary will help you deal with it in some way.
SusanKMann says
19th June 2010 at 9:28 amThank you all for your amazing comments, I hope he is proud and know how much i love him. You guys are the best. xx
Sandy Calico says
19th June 2010 at 1:32 pmCan hardly type for the tears. What a lovely, heartfelt post. We have a lot in common. Thinking of you x
icklebabe_com says
19th June 2010 at 4:20 pmsuch a heart felt post, i lost my dad about 18 months ago and its his birthday tomorrow, actually fathers day too. your words really helped, thanku xxxxxx
J.A. Saare says
19th June 2010 at 4:50 pmBeautiful post and a lovely picture of your Dad. Sometimes, there aren't proper words to convey what you want to say — this is one of those times for me. I just wanted to let you know I did drop by and read. My Dad is struggling with diabetes complications so this really hits home.
Lynsey Newton says
19th June 2010 at 5:28 pmI agree with the other commenters, a heartfelt post and bittersweet 🙁 I'm sure your dad is really proud of you and all you've achieved x
Danielle La Paglia says
19th June 2010 at 6:42 pmA beautiful tribute to your father, Susan. Thank you for sharing a piece of him with us.
T-J Hughes says
19th June 2010 at 7:03 pmWell done you for writing this – I bet you feel better for having shared some of this with all of us. You may find my recent post helpful? http://support4women.net/?p=291 – written on the first anniversary of my Mum's death.Take care, and focus your love on your family. Don't forget your Dad, but keep him in your head and your heart in everything you do. You'll find that you'll be closer to him that way, and you'll feel his encouraging nod as you bring your own family up.
Rachael says
19th June 2010 at 7:50 pmThis time of year is hard, isn't it? All those cards in the shops and people cringing when they mention Fathers' Day because they think I'm going to burst into tears. I miss mine terribly, too.
Livi says
20th June 2010 at 1:16 amSo heartbreaking *big hugs* I miss my Dad everyday too, when anything big happens I always want to tell him, it's been 8 years and I still have his number in my phone.Beautiful tribute to him though, I bet he's so proud of you 🙂
elainescott77 says
20th June 2010 at 7:49 amOh Susan what a beautiful post I am in tears now but that just shows how emotional it was for you to write and put out there. He is definitely proud of the way you have turned out and im sure he is so happy you have your new family 🙂 Lots of love & hugs xxxxx
Angela Addams says
20th June 2010 at 10:31 amMy dad means everything to me too. Thanks for sharing this post.
TheMadHouse says
20th June 2010 at 3:38 pmI am sat here in tears. What a great tribute to a wonderful man. My dad died over 20 years ago and I miss him everyday and I too wish he could meet the mini mads. Maxi is named after him.
Muma talk says
20th June 2010 at 7:44 pmA beautiful post and great tribute to your dad.I can only barely touch upon how you must feel from when my dad was ill a few years ago and the fear I felt of losing him. I'm glad you have your own family now and I'm sure he is too and so proud of you all x
ella says
20th June 2010 at 8:12 pmThis is such a beautiful and moving post Susan xx
YummyNo1 says
21st June 2010 at 8:59 amThis is such a beautiful post and an amazing tribute to your amazing Dad Susan x I'm not a religious person but I do think that there has to be something 'more' and I just know that wherever your Dad is, he will be looking down on you and your beautiful family and he will be so so proud of you. You are an amazing person Susan and I can't imagine your pain at losing your Dad but the love you feel for him is in every word of this lovely tribute x
SusanKMann says
21st June 2010 at 12:36 pmThank you everyone from the bottom of my heart for all your lovely comments. You are all amazing. xx
Michelle says
21st June 2010 at 12:43 pmSusan – so sorry to hear of this anniversary. I understand. I lost my father sixteen years ago. Daddy's girls never forget how special they were in their father's eyes, and they never forget they had the best father ever.
The Bookish Type says
21st June 2010 at 11:49 pmI'm so sorry, Susan! I imagine it must be especially hard with Father's Day falling so close. I'm sure that he does hear you talking to him in your head, and I bet it means a lot to him to know you'll never forget him. You have a loving family of your own now, so you definitely have a place you belong. But I know your Dad will always hold a special place in your heart. I'll be thinking of you, I'm sure it's been a rough few days.