Susan K Mann

Award Nominated Top Vuelio Mummy & Parenting blogger. Blogging about the highs and lows of being a working mother of two princes & princess, living out our own fairytale in Scotland.

Post Natal Depression

By 15 Comments

I want to say thank you to everyone who commented and sent me a message regarding my Gallery Post Ugly. You helped me feel loved and supported.

However, it did make me feel that I felt very different towards my scar than a lot of you do. Please don’t take that the wrong way, everyone feels everything differently and perceives things differently.
I spoke to my counsellor, whom I see every week and is helping me with Post Natal Depression which I have had since the birth of my second son in January last year. I am also on anti depressants but only a very low dose, as I don’t feel I will benefit being on a higher does. I just needed a little boost in the right direction 🙂

I do not feel that I got my scar due to the birth of my beautiful baby boy. I do not associate the two together, which seems different from other with c-section scars. I love my baby boy so much but had a horrible birth again, I don’t associate it with Tyler, I will explain. Therefore, I just saw the birth as a horrible horrible trauma and the scar came from that. It makes me feel like a monster and is not beautiful in the slightest.

I am aware it will fade; I am a slow healer so it is taking longer than most. I also have a lot of numbness in my foot and hands. Hospitals and doctors have checked me. I hope that it will get better.

Ok, here goes…. When I was younger, I went through a very traumatic experience. I am not going to go into this but it left me mentally broken. I learned from a very young age to detach myself from my emotions and shut myself down. As I grew, whenever I was in a situation I felt scared, upset and threatened I shut myself down and detached myself from the memory or emotion.

I think this is what has happened with my scar and giving birth to my beautiful Tyler. The birth feels like it happened to someone else and I definitely don’t think of Tyler being produced from my scar. I discussed this with my counsellor and he has known that I detach myself and so far, I am unable to associate the memories with them actually having happened to me.

It is as if you have watched a TV show, you have seen it, you know what happens, but you can’t feel it. If that makes sense.
Don’t get me wrong I have bonded with both my babies; I never had any issues loving or bonding with them. It’s a problem with me.

I hope this doesn’t sound like a rabble and makes sense. There is so much more but I don’t feel ready to go into too much just now, maybe one day. I just wanted to thank everyone for their support, my friends, family and especially my lovely cyber buddies, whom I have grown to care about and love.

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  • Nova

    I think I understand what you are saying….I put traumatic things that have happened to me into boxes which all burst open when the next 'bad' thing happens. Only now am I trying to deal with those traumas but it's oh so painful. Take care. I'm sure there is a lot of support in the blogging world with people able to relate. xx

  • Laura McIntyre

    I think you post makes complete sense, i have many moments mainly involving my eldest which now looking back seem wrong . Did it really happen? It feels like im replaying a movie not a period of our lives.I know many people are on the mind that it does not matter how baby gets out but just that they are healthy and while that is true i beleive birth has a big impact of the realinship to. Im sorry you need a section, i hope your scar heals and in time you learn to accept it

  • bumblingalong

    Makes perfect sense. Just huge big hugs honey. You know you can email any time.What I was saying to you, I was also saying to myself – I also need convincing. I don't associate my scar with Moo emotionally, but logically I do.I hope you do come to terms with it and the counseller helps. But all in your own time. Please don't feel that all the rest of us are coping and you're not. We all have our ups and downs. You've heard plenty of mine ;-)xxx

  • Such a brave post twinny xx You know I am *always* here for you xx

  • Oh gosh. Hugs. Wish I could write more. Thinking of you. I'll be visiting every day from now on. I get where you're coming from xx

  • mocha beanie mummy

    I've only just followed you on twitter (really wish you'd tweet me.. 🙂 would love to hear from you) so I'm just learning about you… And I can tell you you're not alone. I don't have the same scar as you do, but I'm in the PND Club, and have suffered the crap of depression for well over 15 years. I don't deal with it well. At. All.I know you barely know me…but I ALWAYS have an ear to bend, a shoulder to cry on and a mouth that will most often talk crap, but maybe make you smile a teeny tiny bit. We're all here if you need us, we can all help you somehow, in different ways.Well done for putting it out there, I know that's never an easy thing to do.xxx

  • Mary Poppins

    Hugs from me. Often with things in life it is something deep rooted that is bothering us. It may not be about your scar at all, it of course may, but it may not. I had a section, and I have a scar I like to think it is in the shape of a smile, also if I didn't have my scar I doubt I would have my son here with me, I was 29 weeks pregnant, it was an emergency, I wasn't even awake so didn't know when they put me to sleep whether my baby would be alive. which thankfully he was. I had lost a baby the year before at 6 months pregnant, so I was very emotional. Hope you find some inner peace and that your counselling helps, it helped me when i lost my baby and need ed to talk.X

  • Chelle

    What you are saying makes perfectly sense. Scars either visible or not need time to heal and by the sounds of it you are working your best at giving them the time too.

  • JulieB

    I think most people have said it so much better than I will, so I will just echo all the good wishes – to me, you sound like you are already taking the right steps to help you get to where you want to be – I hope you get there soon.

  • All I can say is – I only know you as another mummy blogger, but I class you as a good friend. You have a huge heart, and are extremely selfless.You have a gorgeous little boy on your hands there too.I can't think of another mummy blogger I'd rather spend time with (or talking to!), and to me that makes you beautiful.I know you've had a very tough time, but well done for confronting it all and having counselling, I really do admire you x

  • Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, love and support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. You have given me the courage to speak out, you have helped me and we have hopefully given other the courage to speak our or seek help. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Love you all xx

  • Oh sweetie, I'm sorry I'm late commenting. It's so brave of you to share where you are. I'm so glad you're getting the help you need. We're all here for you. (((HUGS))) x

  • So brave of you to post these feelings, I hope it helps you to make sense of them in your head. It certainly makes sense to me, I used to be the same, totally emotionally detached from anything negative. Counselling really helped me though and I do hope it helps you just as much, it's tough going but so worth it.